If Only
by fieryrie
Summary: Akaashi decided to tell Bokuto about his feelings. But he was a little too late.


Akaashi was walking down the streets of Tokyo district, not even knowing where his feet were taking him. The night is silent and dark, only the moon illuminatingthe surroundings. The cool breeze is kissing his pale skin; he forgot to bring his jacket. His eyes were wandering around the unfamiliar place, mind floating somewhere, thinking about a certain dual colored hair man. He never left his mind since that day when he realized that he's inlove with 'him'. He was even lucky enough that he was his teammate, at least he can be with him everyday.

Akaashi found himself in front of a flower shop. The flowers are so beautiful and vibrant. 'I wonder what kind of flower he likes," he wondered. He smiled as an image of a smiling Bokuto while smelling some flowers entered his mind. He sighed. He's gone crazy. He continued walking and as he was about to take a turn, he heard a familiar voice.

"I'll be fine here, Kuroo. You don't have to walk me home."

He can't mistake that voice. It was Bokuto. And given by the other name that he mentioned, Akaashi assumed that she just hung out with Kuroo. A date? The mere thought is enough to make his heart clench.

"But I want to make sure that you get home safely!," he heard the neko man whined. They can really make a great couple.

Akaashi decided to take a small peak and there he saw the two, faces only a few inches away from one another, their fingers intertwined like they don't want to let go. If it's just another normal couple, Akaashi wouldn't mind at all. But, no. Akaashi loves the other boy. He loves Bokutoㅡ the only one he got his eyes laid on. It's funny how it's first time to feel something romantic towards a man and now he's here, given a chance to break his heart, shatter all of his plans, dreams for the future he wanna build with Bokuto. The glint of hope that maybe somehow, the girl feels the same, just disappeared in a snap. His eyes felt stingy, there's a lump on his throat, but no, he can't cry.

Minutes passed and the couple pulled off from the hug they just shared before finally parting. 'I wonder how warm Bokuto's hug feels. If only I were Kuroo..," he whispered to himself. Bokuto walked happily towards his direction. He has to move quick, to run, but it feels like his feet were glued to the floor. He can't even take a single step.

"Oi, Kaashi?!," he asked in surprise when he recognized the setter. Who wouldn't? Akaashi doesn't usually come out of his room and now he's roaming around the busy and noisy streets.

He fidgeted and felt so panicky. What can he say as an excuse?! He was caught off guard. This wasn't on his plan. Not at all. "Konbanwa?"

"Anou.. I don't mean to be rude but.. what are you doing here? This is quite a surprise," he tilted his head to the side, a sign of confusion.

"I.. I just.. etto.. v-visited a relative. Y-yeah! That's it," he reasoned out, letting out a nervous chuckle while rubbing the back of his head. He really doesn't know what to do.

Silence followed. It was so awkward and the atmosphere felt so heavy, at least for Akaashi. There were so many questions running in his mind but he just can't find the courage to ask.

He breathed heavily as he looked up to gaze at the stars. 'Are you dating Kuroo?,' the very question that's bothering him all these time. How can he blurt that out?

"W-what?! Did you see us?!," Bokuto jumped in surprise because of what Akaashi just said. His face was a shade of pink, really embarrassed.

Akaashi's eyes widen as his palm automatically covered his mouth. 'Did I just voiced that out? Akaashi, boke!' "I d-didn't mean to."

He heard the man sigh. "Anou.. hai. We are dating.. for months now," the captain replied in a low voice, almost a whisper. His eyes were sparkling. It was obvious that he's in love. 'If only I were Kuroo..'

"Y-you must love him so much," he muttered, almost to himself. He knew that the answer will break his heart but he can't give any hint that he's hurt..

A wide smile formed on the owl's lips and he felt his breath hitched. "I do.. he was so kind ever since I met him. Our teams are technically opponents but still we became really good friends. He always put up with my stupid plans and everything. He gave me courage. He's always there for me. I just.. love him. I'm so lucky to have him."

Akaashi bit his lip, stopping himself from tearing apart. "He's lucky to have you, too. I envy him." The setter wanted to slap himself. What the hell did he just say?! That he envies Kuroo?!

"W..why..," Bokuto glanced up at him, questions reflecting in his eyes.

Akaashi cleared his throat. What now? Should he confess? But that would just make the situation more complicated. He felt like he's on a dead-end. Trapped in his own feelings. "Uhm.. Bokuto-san.. you see.. I.. anou.. I.." Dang, he can't say it. His heart is pounding so loud in his chest that he even him can hear it.

"You.. what?"

"I love you." There he said it. There's no turning back now. He's aware that he'll just face rejection but he still went with it. He's so stupid. Bokuto fell so silent. This is what he's talking about. "I-I'm sorry if it's so sudden. You just.. really caught my eye. And without me knowing, I already fell for you. I know it's impossible. And I'm not expecting for you to reciprocate my feelings, especially now.. that you have Kuroo..," his voice cracked and he can feel his eyes water. The pain is killing him, his heart is being clawed in his chest. 'It hurts.. alot.'

"I-I'm sorry, Akaashi.. To be honest.. I liked you too.. b-before.. When you joined the team, you realy got me hard. I love being with you even if you're always quiet.. It's just that.. I thought if I'll confess my feelings, our friendship will be ruined. And I can't afford to have some awkwardness in the team. You don't seem to like me at all. When I talk to you, you barely reply and you don't show any emotions.. I can't say what you are thinking.. I'm r-really sorry," Bokuto was looking down, fumbling with his fingers. Akaashi can hear him sniff.

Without hesitation, he wrapped the taller man in his arm, pulling him into a hug. Then Bokuto started sobbing and Akaashi felt so frustrated. He just made the man he loves cry. How could he? "Hush, Bokuto-san. It's fine." No, it's not. He's devastated. If only he confessed earlier.. maybe they had a chance.. maybe it's him whom Bokuto loves.. maybe his mind won't be filled with "If only's". He almost had him. Almost.

"Even if I want to give us another chance, I now have Kuroo.. a-and.. I c-can't hurt him. He's so g-good to me. And I l-love him too! Akaashi.. g-gomenasai," Bokuto wailed, pulling his shirt as he buried his head more to his neck.

Akaashi looked up, trying to supress his tears. But then he felt drops of hot liquid trailing on his both cheeks. He's crying. He can't hold back anymore. The pain is his chest is just too much to bear. Wasted chances. Everything on almost. It broke him in million pieces. And all he can do is cry.

"If only.."


End file.
